I had a dream...

I have to tell you about the dream I just had. It was really strange, but maybe my subconcious is trying to tell me something here... Please read and write a comment.. Is it true? It's not someone I want to be, and I'm not aware of me being like that, but maybe it's the way it is??

Anyway, I was with a friend out somewhere, it was a friend from England. I'm not sure exactly where I was. But I had been to a kennel and bought a puppy. It seemed like I didn't have Aila, but only Vazy, and I had bought a finnish lapphund. I remember bringing stuff in the car, and remaking space for the pup with Vazy... Then I don't remember so much.. We were walking outside, met some weird people. Mathieu was around somewhere, but I can't remember what he did. There were a lot of my friends around...

In the morning my friend was very drunk, we must have been out partying. She said she was going training, I think it must have been at the gym..
Anyway, then I can't remember what happened. But after a while a girl from my Agility training group phoned me. And she was really pissed off. She said "I can't believe how you can ruin a whole course like that." and continued talking about how I had been the worst pain ever at this agility course. Everyone had hated me and even the instructor didn't like me. Ofcourse I was really hurt by this, but I couldn't even remember which course it was, or what we had done. Or what I had done to deserve that everyone thought I was a pain. She tried to tell me why. I had been taking over the whole thing, talking too much, seeming like I knew most and only demanding stuff for my own sake. I had said something like "Thats great, now I will save 10 days of training".. and my agility friend had said that with a voice that made it seem like that would have been a stupid thing to say. Then I said how much I had taken over the course and only thought about myself. That I had never given anything back to the group. Everyone was always helping me, and I was never helping anyone. I answered that it was because I didn't know enough. That everyone that helped me was better than me, and I didn't know what to say to help them. I said that I would probably get better and would be able to help someone later on..I can't remember what she answered to that, but I have the feeling she didn't agree...

The more she talked, the more sad I got, because I didn't know, or couldn't remember what I had done. Then I had told here that I was really sorry, that I was really ashamed and wasn't sure I would dare to come to the next course that was like the next day or something. I started crying on the phone, and as soon as I could talk again, I realized she had hung up the phone.
Then some stuff happened in between. My friend woke up after the party, she was sleeping in this really big and weird bed. And someone else was there... I was still really sad and upset. Tried to think back at what could have made them feel that way..

Then I went to the next course anyway. Then I said I was so sorry to everyone, and they just looked at me like I was stupid. One of the course leaders came up to me (And it was my grammar teacher, in real life), and she told me that I shouldn't go to courses like this, because I only ruin them. That I should keep to language courses (?!) because I would fit in better. I can't really remember everything else that she said. But more things like that. When the course was about to start, I walked around to everyone, and said I was so sorry... Everyone looked at me in a disgusted way. Like they had been talking about me all weekend and that it was all bad stuff they'd been saying.

There and then I decided not to say anything any more. So I went to sit down. It looked exactly like a lecture hall at the university. I was sitting by myself but then more and more people came. A lot of people were talking loudly. It was totally normal that it was an Agility course, eventhough, by the peoples outfit and looks, it seemed more to be a normal university class. Then some people behind me was listening to music when the teacher came in. And they were talking loudly and didn't shut the music off..

Then I hear "Åsa, you shouldn't be here. You always ruin everything". Eventhough I hadn't done anything, I had been blamed for something someone else did, just because they had not liked the way I was last time.Then I woke up...

There was something in between there where I regretted taking the puppy, and I was going to go all the way back to it (which was really far), because I felt I had to work on myself and Vazy. To change. And that a puppy would take a lot of time, that I could have used for change...

It's all from my point of view in the dream. But I had this feeling, of having taken over the class and been very selfish. I'm often very self concious and think a lot about what other people think. And I know that I often talk too much, and I want to stop doing it. But it's the way I am, so I can't really, if I want to be myself.

This dream made me think back at loads of stuff. And got me scared. Is this the way people percieve me, only that I don't know it? I find it scary. I don't want to be like that but, as in the dream, I have no clue..

Am I really like this? I mean, you can tell me. Because I'd rather know so that I have a chance to change.......